If I Only Had A Brain Sometimes i find it really neat to hide an entry backward in time so that any regular reader misses it - i know its a bit teen - but hey maybe im living in a dream. Well this is one of those.

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I have never really felt very emotionally attached to someone. And this fact really gets to me; when i was younger in school and was all new to grown up relationships i found it really bizarre that i wouldnt give other people the same level of appreciation. So in turn i would force a very intense empathy toward one or two people - needless to say this never lead anywhere into a healthy relationship...when i tried to care i couldnt quite get the action right, and then when i caught myself off guard i realised that i really didnt care about them.

Among this there were a number of other little problems thrown at me during these tenacious years. And mothers being mothers i was thrown into counselling and psychiatrists. I had already been seeing a community psychologist of my own volition that i kept personal and secret from my family. Here lies another story.

Anyhow i was merely setting up a background.

For now there has arisen an interesting circumstance. A good friend, and flatmate, of mine is now in a relationship with the one person that i deeply care about. However my relationship with said person is not at all good at present due to actions within the past. I had carelessly manipulated and lied to to both her and my friend - thus causing their relationship to be put at a tether. It now no longer exists; their relationship, and my relationship with either of them. You see i did nearly anything i could so that i may have had a more personal relationship with this person than anyone else - and in the end i ruined three perferctly good human connections and their respective teenage lives. Well, maybe ruined is too harsh, they are still alive.

So how do i translate this to the current situation.

Will the past replicate itself?

I will try to play a passive role. However i dont think anything will come to fruition. Both parties are very empathatic, and i believe that they will both come to the conclusion that thier future relationship would cause me unnecessary pain and humiliation. This is quite a nice thing i think. Its not really selfish of them - maybe a little in some bizarre way.
And it makes me think, that if i believe that this is what they will conclude; that i personally still want both of them to care about me and the relationship with me. There you go.
- I should talk to both of them because i want them to want to be my friend. When you look at it from that angle it sort of becomes a self answering scenario. If you think about it enough you can tell where life in general may head...perhaps similar to a film (usually in films you can foresee more specific events though, i guess).

Perhaps i examine other people's actions concerning me in a cynical light. Thought, examination, knowledge are all good, but i can understand a personal negative attitude in which one may examine actions that affect one's own life. That is what one has to attempt to circumvent - intersubjectivity.

Let me sleep on that.

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ok. i slept on that. I do not examine these reactions in a cynical light, merely cautiounary. It is relaxing to be cautious.

Let's be plain here. I am taking sexual advantage of this girl. That much must be true. Nevertheless i do understand some unwanting nature of this within myself. I, embarassingly, hault any intimate proceedings that seem to take place. I dont exactly know why; in as much as i am caused grievous psychological/emotional pain, that is only rendered sufferable when i cease and desist. I never get this anxiety with guys.

I dont want this to be like it was a couple of years ago.

I will commit myself to avoiding and obstaining from intimate relations with this girl. - writing things down always seems to make them stronger -

I will find a new place to live.

I will create music.

And i will learn to love myself before i love another.

I will sleep.  ¶ 9:14 pm